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I atone, on the altar of my Lord,
For the gifts the Almighty has forged
And blessed me to compose this luminous poem,
for I seek to atone, and help others do the same;

The prayers by candlelight I call out Your name,
Vainly I beckon, in voice hoarse and untamed;
Yet in my soul I hear a whispering light
That relieves me of my doubts, my demons, my fright;

and with holy utterance I endeth my prayers,
and begone am I to warn the naysayers:
"Fear wrath of a poet's curse, thee who dares
to mock the hymns; 'tis what ye must fear"

Amen


Edit 21 Feb 2014 - Revision

note: this might not be the same as the original. This is a trijan refrain without the syllable count being followed. Happy reading:

May you, in constant calls, be guided to find
the whispers of lore, begotten, forsworn
and hopeful a pursuit for peace of mind
is made to last for when you are torn
and your burden cast out to the sea
sings a heartfelt reverie
and your burden
and your burden
is a reminder of what you mean to me

while happiness I seek, In sorrow I reside
this is the truth that makes me what I am
your a blessing, whose smile, helps subside
the lessons of my past for which I'm damned
I will set out to aid all I can
For this is the key to my plan
I will set out
I will set out
to be the happiness all yearn in a man

And so I must leave, while speaking this refrain
that was meant for your ears only
But my heart is free, to pursue, e'en disdain
cannot stop what is pure for me
thus do I see the shreds of moonlight
that stoke the night, luminous and bright
thus do I see
thus do I see
your smile, that hardens my will, my sprite
EDIT 21-2-2014: Parsat - thanks for the critique. appreciate it.

Considering that NotenSMSK uploaded "The Felonious Poet", I decided on adding up where that work left off. So, here it is :)

For those of you wondering whose "the Felonious Poet", here: fav.me/d5wssdh

Cheers. Happy reading :)

Other similar works:

fav.me/d5x4owc by PuzzledHeartBox
(inspired after reading this)

fav.me/d5lg1zx by tickersymbol
(the original)

fav.me/d5x4fjy by baglord-lordmindor
(coincidental link)

fav.me/d5x8fay by World-Inside-Me

fav.me/d5sadqk by Nullibicity

fav.me/d5yny6x by lombregrise (a title poem)

fav.me/d5ii7wq by NotenSMSK

fav.me/d5yx3xw by PoetBoi

and when I was searching around in my computer, I found this work.

The Power of a Poet by Arfa Karim

and of course this:

www.fictionpress.com/s/3071289…

Lit Daily Pick for March 2013 by star-blazer


sta.sh/051i83thnad

prettyflour.deviantart.com/jou… - prettyflour feature.

fav.me/d6m9wa1 - another feature.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconewa-a-nie-chce-spac:
I'm here to critique this work, because you've asked about it in your da Journal.

First of all, I really like the idea - the poem written as a prayer by a person, who knows poetical devices and all the meanings behind the words. However, I didn't have an association with Christianity (although I'm a Christian), but rather with Judaism. When I read this poem, I can see with the eyes of my imagination a prophet from Old Testament praying in a temple, and - at the end - enraged by the people not feeling good with his faith.

The vision is original, if we compare it with the other poems, which are written nowadays and in the old times. This piece seems to stand both in the religious tradition and in the secular one - from one side, the person speaking in this work places God on the pedestal, (s)he feels small and miserable in front of Him, but from the other side, (s)he's aware of his/her poetical power and is able to curse in his/her own name people disagreeing with the might of God.

I don't see any mistakes in punctuation or grammar.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcskadoz:
I enjoyed this poem, it dares to go where many today fear to tread. It illustrates both one's insignificance and potetial through faith.
That being said, I question use of 'The' in line 1 of the second stanza. I've read and reread that line over and over but still have a problem with 'The.'
"The prayers by candlelight I call out Your name,"
Call me nit-picky but 'The' just doesn't read well for me. I've added With, Through and From . . . with better feel. Is it me? Am I just being a shit? Others might question the King James feel but not me. For me it's that one word.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I’m back!

With another critique on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

I love that you decided to keep NotenSMK’s’ The Felonious Poet’ going. I think this a great blend of poetry and prayer- it certainly feels like a prayer.

Technique is good throughout- the flow is good, the rhyme works well, and your words well chosen. And I simply love those last two lines- they really brought everything together!

Well done!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for the critique, and I hope to improve further.

Cheers.
Reply
:iconexnihilo-nihil:
Exnihilo-nihil Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Professional Writer
you're part of "some clear tropisms for your frozen lines" here [link] :rose:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*smile* saw it... thank you...
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013   General Artist
:clap:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you.
Reply
:iconfeanor-the-dragon:
Feanor-the-Dragon Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow. A very striking work!
I like the rhythm and rhyming scheme a lot. Of course, as always, I love your slightly archaic grammar style and structure. The poem itself feels so full of meaning and emotion. It makes me feel a bit religiously zealous... and also gives me a bit of writerly zeal.
I liked this stanza the best:
"The prayers by candlelight, I call out Your name,
Vainly I beckon, in voice hoarse and untamed;
Yet in my soul I hear a whispering light
That relieves me of my doubts, my demons, my fright."

Now then, I'm trying to work on my critiquing skills... but I only saw one thing about this poem that bothered me, and that is the punctuation. I believe that, in poetry, every line has to end with a punctuation mark, and that a period is only used at the end of the final line. However, I have a nasty habit of breaking the rules in writing when doing so would improve the flow of the work, so I'll just make a few recommendations based on this poem, rather than the rules.
I think that a semicolon ought to go at the end of the first stanza, as it makes up one complete thought and both it and the second stanza are able to stand independently from each other as complete yet connected ideas.
The period at the end of the second stanza breaks the flow a little bit, and makes it feel a bit awkward to pick up with "And," at the beginning of the next stanza. I think a semicolon would work better there. As for the line "Yet in my soul I hear a whispering light" I think that it works well without punctuation at the end... I'm not sure why, but when I think of it with a comma, it just doesn't seem to flow as well. The same goes for the last line of the third stanza.
But, I do think that "Amen" ought always to have a period after it, if only because it is only used at the end of a statement. I think that a period there would help to increase the impact of the word "Amen" by making it seem more authoritative in it's use.

I do have a couple of questions regarding the meaning of certain parts of the poem, but I think my lack of understanding comes out of religious differences, so I don't think that anything necessarily needs to be changed in that respect. I mostly ask out of curiosity.
When you say that you atone "For the gifts the Almighty has forged;" what do you mean by that? Why would you need to atone for God-given gifts? ...Do you mean that you're giving Him due return for what you've been given?
"Vainly I beckon, in voice hoarse and untamed;" Vainly? what do you mean? Are your prayers for deliverance and in vain? Or are they in vain as a way of atoning for your God-given gifts?
...After thinking about those, I think I actually understand now... but I'l still ask, just to make sure.
Is the meaning of the first two stanzas that it is vain to just thank God for the gifts we've been given if we don't try to use them for His glory as well?

As to the last stanza, I have an idea of it's meaning, but I am still a bit confused. Why must they fear the poets curse?

...Aaaanymawho, I definitely like this poem. :D
Excellent work, my friend!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*archives comment in the scriptorium* your words have been duly noted.

Also, regarding your questions:

they are in vain as a way of atoning for God's given gifts. In essence, I was think two things when writing this poem:

"Then which of the favours of your Lord will you deny?" (From the Koran)

"And these things we write that our joy may be made full" (From the Bible)

Which is where the last stanza comes in. See... The greatest poet to exist, is our Creator. We're just doing our small bits in this world; which is where we forego the most important thing about our lives:

how important it is to remember why we were blessed with the gift of nomenclature and thinking for ourselves.

That's why the poet's curse is important... like those two quotes above.

... hope that made sense, and solved your qualms.
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here from #We-Poets stopping by because you requested a critique for this poem. I see you've already received a ton of feedback on this, so I hope I can add some constructive advice to the mix.

Atone, I, on the altar of my Lord, (not my preference, would rather read I atone instead of the clunkier "Atone, I,")

For the gifts that the Almighty has forged; (delete that, an unnecessary word)

And blessed me to compose this luminous poem, (sounds a little self-aggrandizing on your part, unless that's the point of this? that we all think so highly of ourselves?)

Vainly I beckon, in a voice hoarse and untamed; (delete "a" for better flow)

Yet, in my soul I hear, a whispering light (delete both commas, reads fine without them)

That relieves me of my doubts, me demons, my fright. (change me to my)

The ending again is very self-aggrandizing, but I guess that's what you're going for? To have a poet curse his readers for daring to think it's anything less than brilliant? :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
[link]

made the changes.

And yes, sir. That was the purpose :) (Since this was to follow up from "The Felonious Poet" by *NotenSMSK).

I thank you for your critique. it was very useful and helped give this poem that much needed polish :)
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013  Professional Writer
cool beans
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013   General Artist
A positively interesting piece! :la:
I really like the message of the poem but I still believe you can further expand and elaborate. :eager:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013   General Artist
my pleasure! (:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Professional Writer
Here is Michel's evaluation, for #PoeticalComdition.
Three distinct aspects appealed to me at once. First was the diction used, it was so much like a Classical English prayer. Second was the font printed with, it seems so aptly used, like the Classical print used in prayers. The third was the tone. It was very humble, like a prayer.You amazed and amused me thoroughly. Bravo!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:bow: I am merely putting to words, what I felt.

thank you, sir. Appreciate it.
Reply
:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Welcome!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconsourair:
SourAir Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, this is amazing. It holds a lot of power in only three stanzas. The rhythm of this is impeccable as well. I was reading it under my breath, and it just rolls off the tongue; that is to say, it flows very well. :)

The format and mood certainly remind me of an old prayer or hymn, as I'm sure you intended it to. Being a Christian as well as a writer, this really packed a punch for me. Brilliant work!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) Good to know, man.

You're practically the second person to say that. Thanks. really.
Reply
:iconsourair:
SourAir Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:icontickersymbol:
tickersymbol Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Beautifully and powerfully written and so inspiring. I can feel a seed of strength being planted just by reading these words. Looking forward to reading the others you've shared here. :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) Sure. Looking forward to it.
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
First of all, it reminds me of what it is declared as: Song lyrics. What secondly came into my mind was monks chanting these words, in a way like Gregorian chant (if you know what I mean).
As you consider it yourself a prayer which is also stated by the final word "Amen", it accomplish me viewing it as something religious, monotheistic, rather Christian than something else.

Concerning the contents, it is to read that you pray to your god for strength and for self-confidence. In the sense " No matter what all others say, give me strength to keep on writing".
The prayer for self-confidence could easily be seen in the last line of the second stanza.
But in the last stanza: What is that? A threat? A threat to all people who mock poetry (you as a poet and other poets as well). But that is only the first "shine". The threat is not what it seems to be. The threat is some kind of defiance against those who mock you or do not like your poems or even literature in general. It is also a phrase to show up self-confidence - no matter what is going to come.

You neither call it free verse nor concrete. And you are right as your narrative poem is mixed. The first stanza is rather free verse. There is no rhyme at all.
The second stanza is concrete rhyme with the last word of line three and last word of line four.
In the third stanz is something concrete to be found as well: The last word of line one rhymes with the last word of line two.
So, it is somewhat mixed and interesting :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
gregorian chants... *fluttering* *deep breath* *heaves* honestly, I appreciate the effort you put into this critique. I really.

Yes, you're quite right with your explanation. :) I'm glad you like it.
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconlacolombededeuil:
LaColombeDeDeuil Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
:blackrose::snowflake::blackrose:

~~ I am stopped by this work! I am amazed at the depth and emotions it compels in me! A Poet's Prayer, this is a Poet's Mantra as well. This is now Featured! Bless you my friend for writing this. Oh that I could do more than favorite it and feature it! ~~

always and still,
katti
:blackrose::snowflake::blackrose:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
... I really don't know what to say... Appreciate it...
Reply
:icontuiskulumi:
tuiskulumi Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I like this. You speak of the power of a poet, a master of words. They create more than just the text on a computer screen. They embody the things which we may hold dear, our emotions, and much more.

Your use of a prayer clearly shows that being a poet is a blessing, in your eyes. Atonement in your nature, can be captured in the light of poetry.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*nodding*
Reply
:icontuiskulumi:
tuiskulumi Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I could go further, but that is basically what I got from reading the poem.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
good enough, man. Write what you're comfortable with.
Reply
:icontuiskulumi:
tuiskulumi Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Of course. Thank you.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your welcome :)
Reply
:icontuiskulumi:
tuiskulumi Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*nods head* what more can I say?
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) you can talk about the felonious poet, if you're up for it.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconworld-inside-me:
World-Inside-Me Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
Here is your requested critique from :iconcriticentrum:~
(I don't know if I'll be able to do a good job at critiquing this, because I am not as good at writing poetry as you :XD: )

Positives
> First of all, this is very beautifully written. The choices of words you've used, as well the way it is all put together is simply stunning.
> The way you've put this poem into a prayer as well is brilliantly done and very effective, meaning it would attract a wide variety of readers.
> Finally, the imagery within these stanzas such as "Vainly I beckon, in a voice hoarse and untamed" and "a whispering light that relieves me of my doubts", is just amazing and really gets my imagination working. The first person helps the readers connect to the words more as well.

Improvements:
>This is where I am most stuck, for I don't know how you could improve this at all! It is already so perfect~ I do think it should say "my demons" rather than "me demons" though
> The ends of the lines also look as though they are trying to rhyme in some places, but not in others and this is a little confusing. Perhaps you could try writing this so the last words on the first and final stanzas rhyme? Although at the same time, the lack of rhyming there words well as well...

I'm sorry I couldn't be more useful to you~ This is outstanding work though! =D
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is helpful enough. Thank you :) Appreciate the effort you've put into this critique.
Reply
:iconworld-inside-me:
World-Inside-Me Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
You're welcome~ :love:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconworld-inside-me:
World-Inside-Me Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
This is truly stunning!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) your work's equally stunning, might I add.

Cheers.
Reply
:iconworld-inside-me:
World-Inside-Me Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
:blush: Thank you so, so much!
And wow~ Thank you for the watch as well! :love: It really means so much to me!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) *hopes you return the favor*
Reply
:iconworld-inside-me:
World-Inside-Me Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
Hehe I definitely will~! :love:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)

The felonious poet has indeed, managed to start a revolution, no?
Reply
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