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:iconshehrozeameen: More from shehrozeameen

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Submitted on
November 25, 2012
File Size
212 KB
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Mature Content


6 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: sexual themes, strong language and ideologically sensitive material)
EDIT: new revision uploaded with changes made as per *NotenSMSK's critique. I didn't change the dialogues, or anything else - just gave the narrator a reason to exist =p.

EDIT: Lucifer here is not referring to Satan. The name is taken here to refer to the characteristic of the character being taken via his name's meaning (i.e. Lucifer referring via its Latin origins, means "From light").

The name taken here is independently taken.


This is a tale which is based from the first part of the series of the "Vestages". Most of you would know about it through the chapters from my work "Vigillum".

For the majority of this work, though - given that this was the first endeavor which me and :iconnotensmsk: had written - the copyrights are shared.

Having said that, the material was shared... in that, I wrote the poem, while the annexure and the opening was provided by *NotenSMSK.

I hope you like reading it :) Critique is welcome.
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The poem itself is an incredible tale of the fall of Lucifer and his affection towards Constance.

Though I’m left wanting to know more, who or what is Lucifer? Is he the angel that fell from grace? Or is he an heirloomwielder like some others in Vigillum? There is not a very clear distinction between who or what he truly is.

I especially liked the way Constance tried to comfort him and inevitably sacrifices herself for him as a way to cure him.
And this Lucifer is not a typical Satan, I applaud you for that.

The annex sheds the much needed light on why the poem is somehow abruptly ended here and there and how it is all connected.

The reason I gave you a 4 for vision is because I lack some extra information here and there, it's not that crystal clear to me.
And I fear the impact suffered under that as well. Though all by all 4.5/5 isn't bad right :)?
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

Okay now how should I put it. I would prefer writing a critique in word format with each portion specifically. But for the purpose I will give my opinion.

Overall the tale of Lucifer and Constance, was quite wonderful. It had a mystical touch to it or perhaps it felt like it belonged to another world and not this one. Which it did and so congrats. It also instilled some of the entities that define Vigilum, its predecesor and so on. Well narrated, the langauge at times was beautiful. The expressions in places flowed from the tongue beatifully in both meaning and rhythm.

The fact that you integrated the essence of other works and themes as well was sort of appealing to me as well. They were integrated quite skillfully too.

I would have specifically pointed them out but that shall remain for the later critique. Now I will specifiy what I did not find perhaps very appealing.

The change in rhyming scheme. Sorry but the change did not suit me. I would have preferred a single rhythm to have continued ocross the span of the work. The multiple rhyming schemes were disctracting.

The introduction... didn't make much sense to me. Other than its last few stanza's. However, the rest did register well and I can see the appeal in the intro for some although I would ask you to keep in mind your target audience. I for one would not have read past the intro had there not been some expressions that were well crafted.

Also at times you have stretched it too much. That might be a personal opinion. I try to keep concise. At times when Lucifer dictated his leave from the Turz palace, I was sort of bored since he seemed to be repeating a lot. Constance's appearance was slightly vague but the rest registered well. Again after her arrival there seemed quite some repeating dialogues for me. Now I do realize that dialogues are not necessarily unique. Thus, it is a personal opinion.

Oh... so I did skip a few stanza's. Over all, I find before me a great piece written in the appropriate manner and of course I was expecting nothing less from Miss Talbot (tell me it is not a guy). I guess perhaps I would have to post something of similar proportions which I shall... BUT... there are quite a few things I did not like as stated ^^

Knowing me, you should not be disheartened since I did not explain or describe the positive aspects. You know me. I won't say work on it a lot and alter it... but the rhyming scheme did pose a major problem.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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cskadoz Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013   General Artist
way fun classic form voice and style! :clap:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Okay :grump: again something of my own creation that I am unable to understand. No Shehroze... this is not simple as you stated beforehand. I will take my time in reading this completely since it is confusing... perhaps due to lack of fullstops. I won't say it is bad... I just couldn't get what I started with. I will spend time on it later.
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... You're not understanding it signified that its probably not worth reading at all.

Would you like me to explain what's happening in this poem to you later onward? Or do you guarantee that you'll critique it soon?
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't guarantee I will critique it soon and it is just your assumption that I am stating that this is not worth reading. The history you have added is not known to me in major areas (which is creepy). The work is long. Will take time. I don't have that at the moment. Will have to look at it on the weekend. I usually need firm ground to stand on when starting a work. If I don't get the start... well I rarely get the work. And no, don't explain.
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
alright, the history needs working... will get to that in the next installment.

Prior to submitting it, I'll let you know.

and you're sure... you'll manage...?
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
pff now you are making a huge deal out of it. Do let me know over the history and I will manage. If I am unable to it won't be your failure but mine :P
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... Fine, whenever I get the time I'll let you know.
The-Archaeon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This was great. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as Mise en Abīme, but I still liked this a lot. Bravo! And to think there are two writers in this work, it does not feel like it at all. You both did an amazing job to keep it from showing, bravo!
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your welcome :) :hug:

yes, indeed. Well... two writers is a rarity. But its amazingly fun! They do make a significant contribution when they do.
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