whispering of the trees which leave me forlorn

This is still a work in progress. The opening will have some overhauling, so don't worry about that. And the same goes for the rest of the poem.

If anyone does comment, ignore the syllable count - I'll get back to that on my own. On this poem, any form of criticism - constructive or otherwise - is largely going to be ignored

No, seriously... if you do want to give constructive criticism, reserve it for my prose pieces. If you want I can note you with the piece. I intend on working on this poem in my own spare time.

EDIT: 23 July 2014: The original poem is provided below as a comparison for the one shown above:

whispering of the trees which leave me forlorn;
A darkness, enshrouding, that holds me astray -
Tread gently, my dear, through this path of thorns.

From upwards the trees beseech seasons, reborn
of creation, our kind, is called out by day
whispering of the trees which leave me forlorn

Is this the yearning we seek, for which we are torn?
Be wary, for the skies hold a dark secret of our way
Tread gently, my dear, through this path of thorns.

There do we seek those sad dreams, as one, worn
as a cloak o'er our sorrow, as we keep our woes at bay
whispering of the trees which leave me forlorn

Wild are the yearnings, held back by anger and scorn
Vitality is a desultory trick, anachronism, pray
Tread gently, my dear, through this path of thorns.

For you, my dream, are my pride, for whom I mourn
every passing moment, left alone, to you I hope to say
whispering of the trees which leave me forlorn
Tread gently, my dear, through this path of thorns.

NOW, this work is ready for critique:

1. What is your opinion about a villanelle in general? Because the refrains which are present in this work are part of this poetry format.
2. Is the scenario described too general in its scope and portrayal? Does it suit the environment or not?
3. Comparing the original with the version provided above, which would you prefer?