the door
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
It lies between me and the orifice of the horror that I am unable to decline without a fear of being consumed whole.
You have always been there and will always remain there, you instrument! You will always remain ignored till Judgement is passed and the masses will hurdle around you, waiting and hoping to tear you down bit by bit until there is nothing left. But it will never happen, nor can it ever occur; in their quest to destroy you they destroy themselves and lead themselves further down the hole. Such a pity; it would have worked to the mutual benefit of all of us in equal measure and equal efficiency. Sadly, as I sigh and breathe the air of brilliant that is consuming me, I realize it does not matter in any way - those who seek to comprehend your existence will for every sensible reason do so. Alas, such a perfect scenario is not without its losses and its callous considerations which are in vain. However much we try to dismiss this veil of sorrow we are always enshrouded by it. It is useless to believe otherwise, and a futile effort to even try.
Thus is the crowd that stands between what you hide and what you see, dear door. You cannot move, hitherto you would have considered such an option noble. You stay and watch the bunch kill each other softly and ruthlessly leaving no remorse. It is a sad height that bears witness to this spectable of maccabre consequences, and sadly only you can watch it and realize that we are without a maker and discontent with any suggestion of one. Thus, dear door, await the moment of truth as it makes its way towards you, leading you towards apocalypse bearing and telling the masses and yourself "step in; there's plenty of room for everybody!"
Alas, it is this resistance which brings about our worst fears and thus, disavows our dreams of becoming the strokes of genius we are meant to be.
Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactThe first line moves slightly too quickly for me - I had to read it several times before I could quite grasp its meaning. I also think you've got just a few too many double negatives in there, which bogs your reader down, trying to work out which cancels out the other. I would either add in a comma, or separate it into two sentences. Either way it needs splitting up.
Having said that, I do like the use of the word 'orifice'. I've never heard that word used in a nice context, only ever said with disgust (or a medical sense, which is obviously immediately dismissed here). The result is that the reader is slightly repulsed by this 'horror' before they've even got past the first few lines.
It's interesting the way your narrator addresses it directly; it gives the thing a personality, before we even know what it is.
'Such a pity' would probably work better as a full sentence standing alone.
I think a physical description of the door at the end might work, although I say this with more tentativeness than my other suggestions. Even if it's a metaphor, it's a metaphor at least partially made real, and it could help drive the impact home to see a physical vision of it.
I really like "However much we try to dismiss this veil of sorrow we are always enshrouded by it". The image of a shroud works brilliantly in this context, quite literally enveloping us. It's a scary prospect.
Again, the only problems I have with the work so far all stem from the fact that it moves quite quickly, wheras I feel a slower, more melancholy approach might be more appropriate. All you'll need to do for that is just insert a few commas here and there, and shorten a few sentences. Was its fast pace intentional? (Not a rhetorical question <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="390" title=" (Smile)"/> ) I really like the theme here, about attempting to escape from our fears, and embodying that in a physical shape. Especially one of a door; an image we all recognise, and use every day. You imbue it with such malice, but the way you describe it here - "sadly only you can watch it and realise we are without a maker..." implies that it's not evil of its own intent. It's simultaneously an object of fear, and an object of pity, and a piece of ourselves. It's a complex way of seeing it, but I think it works.
It's an excellent piece, but I think it lacks the impact it could potentially have. Rejig some of the sentences, and dole out a few commas here and there, and it'll be perfect <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="367" title=" (Big Grin)"/>