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:iconshehrozeameen:
Its too cliched. Its not even close to the originals that you can write. If it wasn't for the submission to the four hundred and six groups, I wouldn't be surprised that this work was actually entertained as a popular work.

Someday I'd like t' be a pirate and sail across the seven seas.

I always thought it might be nice t' feel the ocean breeze.

I've always dreamt of findin' treasure, stashed away in a hidden box,

And then after I drop the anchor I'd burst open the locks!


Alright, kid, buck up, because the first thing that all pirates should know about being pirates: treasure lies in trading ships. You, unfortunately, have kept your own poem so wide and shallow that it doesn't define which age it belongs to. treasure box? Seriously? no offense, but its chest - you of all the people, no wait, anyone whose seen Pirates of the Carribean, would know that. Hence, the purpose of locks. Also, locks are stored with the captain, Cap'n, I suggest you mention that.

But as I grew, I was soon t' learn, that dreams do not come true.

How many times have I seen a man be strangled till he's blue?

How many days have I watched them stumble, cursin' ill their fate.

When none would reach a helping hand, their heart would fill with hate.


Well, way to go, you wise-crack. you write something that was the truth, and you ruined it with your last line.

And the days that passed by, they stumbled a cursin'
Their fated fruitless lives, a manhandled whale's skin

THAT would have made sense.

I grew t' question th' ways of Kings who whipped the backs o' men,

More labour earned with blood and sweat while the preachers say 'Amen!'

Donations are given t' temples rich, while the poor are in the street;

So many souls are quickly trampled beneath their ugly feet....


... Okay, listen, kid, three things; the age of piracy was not in the age of kings. Get the Age of Empire series out of your head. PIRACY, in itself, was because there were too few land routes from which people could travel. THUS, because of that, they had to utilize the sea. For that to happen, the best option was the harbors and ports. THERE, the most common sights were the navy and the trading flagships of (for the most part), the Dutch East India Company, and the East India Company of England, with native vessels of Spain, France, Portugal, Britain, and Denmark. Switzerland played a role, but solely as a cache of mercenaries. Sweden and Denmark, however, were key role players for being stash of piracy gold.

And the poor? where'd they all go? Somalia, the Caribbean, India, Ceylon (now Sri Lanka), Singapore, Thailand (which remained an independent establishment), Kenya, and South Africa, no name a few.

their ugly feet had nothing to do with piracy, because frankly speaking they were the ones whom had to join in any case - the rich got rich, because the poor decided to have a hey day and join their lords in the process of sailing the seas.

By the way, they shared the same boat - the rich constituted the pirates whom had exposure to the outside world (and no, they joined to make money, not distribute it to the poor. Some exceptions taken aside, there were others who turned into buccineers and loved the stench of blood.)

In conclusion, kid, watch Pirates of the Caribbean again. and PROPERLY.

You can write better than this.
18 out of 41 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
I happen to agree with your critique and analysis...although you could be a tad less hostile, you bring up good points.

This whole argument has gotten out of hand....a pissing contest this is not....

But it is over now (so I hope) and everyone can move in.

I just wanted to let you know that you brought up valid points (not that you need the reassurance) and that Noten is not the only behind you.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad over both your faith in the matter and for having my back. I was suddenly sparked by witnessing such a sparkling work that I was tempted into critiquing that way. Say... I let my previous anger flow.

I hope it ends as well. Thanks again for having my back along with Noten :) he is a surprisingly helping guy at such times! I just hope that this reaches his fans because honestly... they view him as something different from what he is.
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Student Writer
You are welcome and yes, Noten is completely amazing.

Oh, and yes I know that firsthand; I don't understand why they have that sort of attitude though. Everyone's actions should be taken with a grain of salt, no matter who they are or what they've done.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's true. But we think that way.

Everybody has their own manner of comprehending realities and what-not... its how they're made...
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student Writer
Hm, true enough.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:|
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Writer
:hug:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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(1 Reply)
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
But I do agree with your points. I did find it... well poor rhyming and all. I would have been fine with it but the first line in description (fav my work, it helps my popularity)... I mean asking for fav's????? No comments over that and so I am fine with the harsh critique. I won't say he deserved it but you seem to being honest... not bashing someone on purpose.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ummm... you sure went all out ^^;
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:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Student Writer
Wow jeez. Rough day?
-.-

Way to take it out on a poor guy's poem. We GET you know stuff. Get a journal.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think a lot of your points are valid, but you could say them so much kinder .-. you sound angry.
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Professional Writer
Wow, you don't possess much of a concept of fun do you? xD

I'm an entertainer, I write to entertain. You don't like it, that's fine, so long as the public enjoys it, that's all that matters. I don't have to follow your method of thinking about pirates, because it's your way. As a fantasy writer, this poem was initially based off the backstories that were written for my group 'Black Fedora Pirates'.

If you can write something better, by all means, do it ^^ No one's stopping you. I look forward to you showing me up with your amazing literary skill :3

After all, I believe in only one thing. If you can do something better, do it, don't waste time talking down to someone unless you can prove it by action. That's what differentiates a man from a kid.

-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
He actually does have a pirate poem and sorry to say... yours doesn't really compare. sorry again for barging in perhaps un invited but the critique was asked for and it was... well reasonable. If you wish, I can give you the link to it as well.

Also I do agree with the 406 groups thingy... I am not saying it is wrong to post this in many groups but I don't really see it as much entertainment. Then again it might just be me.
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Professional Writer
No the simple thing is, I wrote the poem for my fans, and the Chibi artwork was done by them. If he wishes to write his own pirate poem (better or worse) he is welcome to do so. I see no reason to accept any critique that is simply looking down upon someone else's work. We are writers, and regardless of opinion we all cater to our own fan bases.

Hence him calling me 'kid' only demonstrates his arrogance. If my pirate poem doesn't compare to his and if you like his writing style and critiques, that's fine by me. However, I suggest he tone down his attitude.

As for showing me up, if you believe he's done so. Congratulations ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Surprisingly that is not what you stated in your previous comment... you were hyped up over him writing something comparable and that that was what differentiated between a kid and man. Now you pull away from that :hmm:

Also... you can add in the description "Do not take this work seriously... it is for my fans". Other than the "kid" he called you, there is a lot of sense in his critique and after all... there was the critique tag on your work right?
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Professional Writer
No, I explained something different to him, because I asked him to do a piece that would show me up. Since you've said that he has I am also explaining why I didn't take his critique seriously.

Your statement was completely different from his, so why would I write the same response xD.

Anyway, as I said before, if you believe in his critique and you believe it was good then that's fine. I do not and see no purpose in receiving it. We don't have to accept critiques we believe to be unfair. I personally only receive critiques that are properly constructive instead of a subjective one-star rating just because he believes his method of writing to be better =P. Plenty of other deviants ask for critiques and their work is far worse than mine (yet they also receive front page), should I too go over there and call them 'kid'? No, that's not the way of a true artist, nor of a man =P

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was originally referring to your comment on his work in which... never mind. You stated something and now , since he has written a work already, you change your statement.

Nevermind that... it is not at all wrong of you not to accept the critique! It is totally up to you. But what purpose does a critique tag have if critiques are not taken seriously... despite it being rude and one which being rejected is fine...

I just rechecked his critique and don't see him comparing you to himself much. He is stating things that should be considered while writing a pirate poem. Again... if you insist you are an entertainer and this was in no way related to real pirates and all then this should have been in the description.

if you are denying what he said was correct then you are wrong there. Yes, you may not like to take his critique seriously or accept it... but with a pirate poem like that... and a critique... and nothing in the description... it is an open invite. I personally rate generously but this would barely have make it above 2.5
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Okay then, your opinion has been accepted. Rate it whatever you want and be done with it xD. You're his fanboy and I get that. You don't like my work, I get that.

Why bother? :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha you truly are a little kid to make assumptions :) Now I understand why he called you a kid. A kid who asks people to fav his works... I mean seriously who am I debating with??!! Good day Kiddo ^^ you don't get anything at all :D
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
true :P men shake hands with their enemies using the hand they wank with.

... or use to kill softly...

And well... since you've brought up the topic:

[link]

quid pro quo... non?
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Very nice work I applaud you, well done ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) Good to know.
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