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:iconshehrozeameen:
Its too cliched. Its not even close to the originals that you can write. If it wasn't for the submission to the four hundred and six groups, I wouldn't be surprised that this work was actually entertained as a popular work.

Someday I'd like t' be a pirate and sail across the seven seas.

I always thought it might be nice t' feel the ocean breeze.

I've always dreamt of findin' treasure, stashed away in a hidden box,

And then after I drop the anchor I'd burst open the locks!


Alright, kid, buck up, because the first thing that all pirates should know about being pirates: treasure lies in trading ships. You, unfortunately, have kept your own poem so wide and shallow that it doesn't define which age it belongs to. treasure box? Seriously? no offense, but its chest - you of all the people, no wait, anyone whose seen Pirates of the Carribean, would know that. Hence, the purpose of locks. Also, locks are stored with the captain, Cap'n, I suggest you mention that.

But as I grew, I was soon t' learn, that dreams do not come true.

How many times have I seen a man be strangled till he's blue?

How many days have I watched them stumble, cursin' ill their fate.

When none would reach a helping hand, their heart would fill with hate.


Well, way to go, you wise-crack. you write something that was the truth, and you ruined it with your last line.

And the days that passed by, they stumbled a cursin'
Their fated fruitless lives, a manhandled whale's skin

THAT would have made sense.

I grew t' question th' ways of Kings who whipped the backs o' men,

More labour earned with blood and sweat while the preachers say 'Amen!'

Donations are given t' temples rich, while the poor are in the street;

So many souls are quickly trampled beneath their ugly feet....


... Okay, listen, kid, three things; the age of piracy was not in the age of kings. Get the Age of Empire series out of your head. PIRACY, in itself, was because there were too few land routes from which people could travel. THUS, because of that, they had to utilize the sea. For that to happen, the best option was the harbors and ports. THERE, the most common sights were the navy and the trading flagships of (for the most part), the Dutch East India Company, and the East India Company of England, with native vessels of Spain, France, Portugal, Britain, and Denmark. Switzerland played a role, but solely as a cache of mercenaries. Sweden and Denmark, however, were key role players for being stash of piracy gold.

And the poor? where'd they all go? Somalia, the Caribbean, India, Ceylon (now Sri Lanka), Singapore, Thailand (which remained an independent establishment), Kenya, and South Africa, no name a few.

their ugly feet had nothing to do with piracy, because frankly speaking they were the ones whom had to join in any case - the rich got rich, because the poor decided to have a hey day and join their lords in the process of sailing the seas.

By the way, they shared the same boat - the rich constituted the pirates whom had exposure to the outside world (and no, they joined to make money, not distribute it to the poor. Some exceptions taken aside, there were others who turned into buccineers and loved the stench of blood.)

In conclusion, kid, watch Pirates of the Caribbean again. and PROPERLY.

You can write better than this.
18 out of 41 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
I happen to agree with your critique and analysis...although you could be a tad less hostile, you bring up good points.

This whole argument has gotten out of hand....a pissing contest this is not....

But it is over now (so I hope) and everyone can move in.

I just wanted to let you know that you brought up valid points (not that you need the reassurance) and that Noten is not the only behind you.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad over both your faith in the matter and for having my back. I was suddenly sparked by witnessing such a sparkling work that I was tempted into critiquing that way. Say... I let my previous anger flow.

I hope it ends as well. Thanks again for having my back along with Noten :) he is a surprisingly helping guy at such times! I just hope that this reaches his fans because honestly... they view him as something different from what he is.
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Student Writer
You are welcome and yes, Noten is completely amazing.

Oh, and yes I know that firsthand; I don't understand why they have that sort of attitude though. Everyone's actions should be taken with a grain of salt, no matter who they are or what they've done.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's true. But we think that way.

Everybody has their own manner of comprehending realities and what-not... its how they're made...
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student Writer
Hm, true enough.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:|
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Writer
:hug:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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(1 Reply)
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
But I do agree with your points. I did find it... well poor rhyming and all. I would have been fine with it but the first line in description (fav my work, it helps my popularity)... I mean asking for fav's????? No comments over that and so I am fine with the harsh critique. I won't say he deserved it but you seem to being honest... not bashing someone on purpose.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ummm... you sure went all out ^^;
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