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:iconshehrozeameen:
1. Did you enjoy the work?

I am taking this to mean Vision: Yes, I very much did. At first I thought that this work was written by *UntamedUnwanted (which was nice for the first half) till you provided the ending (which - thank God - was as close to a perfect shocking bittersweet moment as you can write). Keep up the good work - and stick to killing people.

Five Stars.

2. Was there any impact?

This means Impact: Yes, it did - but it somehow fell short... It seemed too real, and suffice to say reminded me of "Glass House" at times. Heck, in a way, I'll admit here that a reworking of one of my works is going to be very much influenced by this deviation - so to me, I felt... satisfied that at least there is a reference to work with... Yeah, that's about it - once its uploaded, I'll wait and let other people read what I've written hoping they'll like it. Cheers, then.

Four stars.

3. Did the addition of ellipses add a better effect (as compared to there being a few)?

This is referring to Technique: Yes, they work just fine - they are natural, and deliver perfectly... Curious enough, the italic emphasis makes this seem... vintage; When the second line comes, I almost swore that there was a forties jazz running in the background when you wrote this work. Well done there.

That, or I was probably listening to too much Louis Armstrong and watching The Green Mile (the third time) while writing this critique.

4. General comments

So far as the title is concerned, try one of the following: Erasmus, A Gift of Roses, My Gift to You, "... A million stars..." (in that exact form)... if this helps...

And well... you get five for technique (because, honestly speaking, I can't write like this, so kudos for control), but for originality, I'll admit I found myself emerging into the forties and fifties when I was done writing... It seemed too vintage in that regard...

Kinda like a Humphrey Bogart or Spencer Tracy feature picture, if you will...

Originality... a reluctant three and a half stars...
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am grateful for the critique! Thank you for being so quick at giving it :XD: I would say that I was expecting a better impact than vision :XD: but then again every person has their own say. Glad to hear that this can influence your works! What i think gave the impression of Jazz is that you ignored that they are little kids :P or perhaps you didn't ignore that.

I wonder if seeming slightly old cuts off originality but no worries :) also thanks for the alternate titles!
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
For Jazz, yes I'll agree, I was thinking in that same way - I was thinking they were adults; I can say that the jazz would have suited the kids idea as well, but that would be lying.

It does - the critiques that I've written and seen in the "fair critique" policy, originality is the comparison you use to judge the work. low originality means no comparison was found at all; high originality means the work was a eureka moment, was a tribute to an original literature/arts influence, or was a good execution of an approach. (much like the works in your "back grabbers", "exceptionally good literature" and "very good literature").
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Eh really? I thought originality was how original the work is. If the idea has been somewhere else then it has low originality. If it is something VERY different and new (ignoring impact and all) then the originality is high :hmm: a good influence is not the best originality for me, depending on the works/themes based on the same influence.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
nonononno not in that sense...

originality is the comparison you use to judge the work. low originality means no comparison was found at all; high originality means the work was a eureka moment, was a tribute to an original literature/arts influence, or was a good execution of an approach

This is what I wrote. Now:

Eureka moment: a work like... that "nice kitty, good kitty" work for instance - completely out of the blue, and was something I was not expecting at all... frankly speaking the comparison to "Fritz the Kat" was AFTER I heard the work, not before. Much the same for... say... "A Toy" by 3wyl... Or even "To Be, To Be, Carefree"... No, scratch that, "Reflections in the Mirror", which is completely new to me so far... you don't expect them, but they're something that you find give you a different perspective.

a tribute to an original literature/arts influence: that's something like... "to pee or not to pee" (which is a parody of "to be or not to be" the segment), or (in my case) "Melancholic Tendencies" or "The nightingale praying by candlelight" (the former, came from anasthesia's "Once Upon a December", while the latter came from "Mirza Sahiba" - heck, they're reiterations).

a good execution of approach: this would be... umm... uhh... what I mean to say is, the idea is presented in such a way that it gains a different perspective - its reflected differently... like, "Captain Ulmar Wenceslas Lockhart", or like... "Happiness and Memories" (the theme itself is something which we both have covered quite often, but because it is unique with its refrain and its description, and it is presented thus as we've seen, it is original).

This is what I think.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hmm... hmm... I see :nod:
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If I were to let my reply dwindle over those lines, you would probably be concerned so, I get it :D You mean to say that this work had not the best originality for you :iconhappymeowplz:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... well, that was measured sarcasm.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah I shall have to make a unit of sarcasm :meow: but seriously... I gotta go study (not telling you, telling myself :XD: )
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You should.
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